Injury Curse Strikes Again

🚨 The Loose Cannon: Madueke's Misfortune, Saka's Stroll Back, and Eze's "Not Quite Yet"

Mikel Arteta rocked up to his presser ahead of the glamour tie at Vale Park (yes, you read that right — Arsenal at Port Vale on a Wednesday night. Tinpot romance is back, folks). And as always, the Basque philosopher had plenty of lines for us to chew over. Let's break down the latest episode of The Injury Chronicles.

🩼 Madueke's Arsenal honeymoon: cut short by the injury gods

Noni Madueke, Arsenal's shiny ex-Chelsea wingman, has gone from "why are we wasting money on him?" to "hang on, he might actually be good" in record time.

So of course, the football gods noticed and decided to whack him with the eight-week injury special. According to Arteta:

"He felt something at the beginning, tried to carry on… he's gutted, we're gutted, everyone's gutted."

Classic. Just when Madueke's hitting stride, he's swapped the wing for the treatment table. Arsenal's very own NHS branch remains open for business.

⚠️ Hincapié's "little" groin knock

Piero Hincapié has apparently done his groin in. Arteta assures us it's nothing major:

"I think that would be a short-term surgery."

Excuse me? Did he just say short-term surgery? Since when has any Arsenal injury been short-term? This could be a week, or it could be 2027. Roll the dice.

💪 Captain Ødegaard is back (minus the shoulder drama)

At least there's some good news: Martin Ødegaard is training again. No surgery, just a few days off. Translation: he's been patched up with duct tape, ibuprofen, and blind optimism.

🌟 Saka: easing back, allegedly

Bukayo "Starboy" Saka is demanding minutes, because of course he is. Arteta's take:

"We'll do it gradually."

Translation: expect him to play 120 minutes at Vale Park on a ploughed field.

⏳ Havertz the science project

Arteta described Kai Havertz as a "different specimen." Which is manager-speak for: "We spent a fortune on him, he's built like a giraffe, and we've no idea when he'll be back." Months, apparently. Probably in time for Easter.

🎭 Eze: to start or not to start?

Eberechi Eze didn't start against City and Arteta was defensive:

"Could he play 90 minutes? Maybe not… he's never played as a right attacker."

In other words: "I bottled it." But let's be fair — with Arsenal, there's always a position someone hasn't played before. Remember when Tomiyasu suddenly became Cafu?

😂 Dowman nutmeg chaos

Max Dowman, a kid barely old enough to grow a moustache, nutmegged a senior player in training. The veterans' response?

"Kick him!"

That's the Arsenal way: if in doubt, boot the youngster. But apparently the lad stood his ground, so now he's the darling of London Colney. Wenger would've given him a debut tomorrow. Arteta will probably make him collect cones.

🎬 Final word: déjà vu with shin pads

So here we are: another week, another injury roll call. Madueke sidelined, Havertz missing, Hincapié questionable. Luckily, Saka's back and Martinelli, Eze, Nwaneri, and Trossard still exist.

Will it be enough to beat mighty Port Vale under the floodlights? If not, we might as well hand City the Carabao now and save everyone the petrol.